Why Dating is Miserable for Introverts – and How to Fix It

By Misty Zdanski

Sep 04
Shy woman and man sitting on sofa

“Dating”? I’m pretty sure I just heard a collective groan from the introverts of the dating world. It’s OK! You are not alone.

And here’s another statement that may make you gasp a little. Ready? Dating can be enjoyable if you have the right attitude! I know – I’m shocked too!

Just thinking about going on a date can be exhausting for an introvert. Once the date is made, you start arguing in your mind about why you should just cancel it and curl up on the couch to watch your favorite show instead – right?

The good news is that there is a secret to dating that makes it possible to put “enjoyable” and “dating” in the same sentence: You are the chooser – plain and simple. Just as with everything else in life, you create your reality in dating. You choose who you want to go out with and you choose if you want to continue to see this person.

Take a moment to think about how you think about a first date. What goes through your mind?

  • “I hope they like me.”
  • “I’m so nervous.”
  • “What if I say something embarrassing?”
  • …and on and on with the self-conscious thoughts.

With a well-formed dating plan, those won’t be the questions that come to mind. Yes, I said “plan.” That’s not a word you’d typically hear with dating, but as a SoulMate Coach, I can tell you it makes all the difference for my clients.

Here’s why you need a dating plan: As an introvert, you have a very rich internal experience; it’s how you process thoughts and feelings. But if you’re having that internal experience in the middle of a date, especially one triggered by self-conscious thoughts, then it’s going to be hard to connect with another person. Having a plan in the style I’m talking about helps you get clear on the inside so that your dating experience can happen on the outside. Having a plan is what allows you to be a chooser.

Your plan needs to include, for example, specific qualities you’re looking for in a potential mate. What are your must-haves and deal-breakers, in terms of values, common interests, and emotional well-being? When you’ve identified in advance what you’re looking for, you might be able to notice it before you accept the invitation to the first date.

But it’s also important to recognize, do your requirements come from an emotionally healthy place? That’s something a coach can help you determine.

When you become the chooser, you are deciding what you want out of a relationship and you are seeing if that person matches those desires. Your mindset shifts from “Does this person like me?” to “Do I like them?” This allows you to focus on what you are looking for out of the date and if that person meets those needs.

Dating gives you an opportunity to figure out what you want in a relationship. It also gives you some awareness of how you “show up” – not just on dates but for life in general:

  • Are you presenting your authentic self, or are trying to morph into what you think the other person desires?
  • Are you showing up confident, or is there an energy of desperation?

Think back on your recent dates and see if you can answer these questions. Did you gain any insight? Any Ah-Ha moments?! Usually you will – if you take an honest look at how you showed up and what you were thinking during that date. And it’s OK if you notice some not-so-flattering qualities that may have reared their ugly head – learn from them!

Do you see how this is different from how you’ve been doing things? Doing a little prep work prior to entering the date world can make a world of difference and allow you to find the right perspective that will make dating enjoyable.

As a SoulMate Coach, I help women create a solid dating plan by reviewing past relationship patterns, dating patterns, beliefs about dating, and visualizing your ideal relationship. We often identify dysfunctional emotions that have been sabotaging your dating experience (along with other areas of your life) and change them, making you ready to welcome your soulmate.

You deserve a happy and fulfilling life! If you’re tired of dating as it has been and curious about how coaching could benefit you, please reach out and schedule a Discovery Session with me.