A few weeks back I wrote about how fear can be a clue toward figuring out what you really want in life.
With the perspective I have now, I realize that while the advice might be useful, it’s actually a crappy way to go through life, isn’t it? Being guided by fear?
But, based on what your emotional setpoint is, sometimes that’s all you have to work with.
At a recent retreat with my mentor David Neagle and his team, I got to dive really deep into this topic of wants and desires. It started with the goal-setting exercise that they help us do at every retreat. This time they decided to give us more accountability by asking who in the room had met the goals they’d set at the last retreat.
And for those of us who hadn’t (I didn’t come close – I didn’t even remember what my goals were), what had kept us from our goals?
Or as David puts it, “Where did you stop yourself?”
That’s one of his favorite questions, and it’s becoming one of mine too. The question acknowledges that anytime our desires are thwarted, whether by internal or external circumstances, it’s in response to our energy projections. (I wrote about that topic recently too.)
That’s when I realized that I had stopped myself as soon as the goals were set. While I was going through the goal-setting exercise, I already didn’t believe that I was going to meet them.
Sitting with that thought a little longer I realized that I wasn’t trying to set goals – I was trying to predict them. Every time I had ever done any sort of goal-setting exercise, it was from a disempowered perspective that there was a right or wrong goal to set, and if I guessed wrong the goal would not be met.
“I’m just a believer
That things will get better
Some can take it or leave it
But I don’t want to let it go”
That’s a quote from a recent song by the band American Authors called, “Believer.” When I heard it in the car the other day, it got me thinking about the various opinions I’ve heard about where the world is headed. And even though those of on the Path of Love believe that we know that answer, it’s always good to be reminded.
There are definitely contrasting messages: On one hand is the “age of Aquarius” perspective that we’re all expanding into Love, the veil is dissolving and we’re moving into Oneness.
On the other hand are the “hell in a handbasket” proclaimers. And I’ll say that on the surface it’s hard to argue against them, with the increased violence and threats of war that we hear about every day.
So which is it? Is the glass half full or half empty? Do we have reason to hope? Absolutely.
I’m sure at this point in your life journey you understand the concept of free will.
You know – the idea that at every moment of your life you have choices about whether to follow your soul or your ego, whether to act in alignment with natural law or out of alignment, whether to be happy or sad, etc.
(The power implied by that is more than most people’s minds are ready to handle.)
You might think that if you have free will, and I have free will, and everyone around us has free will, then we’re not responsible for anyone else. That since each of us can choose how we feel, we have no influence on each other.
I’ll admit, I used to think that way. In my mind it was as if we were each walking around in our own impermeable bubbles.
That is, until I learned about another natural law, beyond the Law of Attraction, that puts a twist on free will. It showed me that we’re not completed autonomous in our feelings. (You might be interested to know that children and animals are the most easily influenced. I’ll say more about that shortly.)
If I could delete one phrase from the English language, I know exactly which one it would be.
It’s a pairing of two little words that, in my estimation, forces anyone who utters those words to abdicate the power they have in a given situation.
It’s a phrase that’s spoken far too often by people who mean it far more than they should. Especially us women. I cringe every time I hear myself say it.
Those two words: “I’m sorry.”
I’ve been paying attention to the use of that phrase for over a year now, and I’ve noticed a few key things about it:
1) The automatic-ness with which it’s said – how quickly it flows from someone’s mouth when no apology is necessary. For someone people it seems to be the automatic way to start a response. Have you noticed that? From now on, pay attention to how often someone (including yourself) starts a conversation or an email with “I’m sorry.”
2) How often it’s followed by a deflection of blame, e.g., “I’m sorry that I’m just calling you back; So-and-So didn’t give me the message until now.” The deflection might not even be true: I’ll admit to pretending I just saw someone’s email, even though I’ve been staring at in in my inbox for several days. When other people do it, it’s like watching a game of Hot Potato: I can see the person push that blame onto anyone else so that she doesn’t get burned.
3) Most of all I’ve noticed the hidden message behind that apology: “Don’t hate me because I made a mistake.” That is, after all, why we deflect blame – because something bad happens to people who are wrong ((according to our subconscious).
Will you join me in eradicating this plague of unnecessary sorry-ness?
Let me tell you a secret which, if you bear this in mind, will eliminate “I’m sorry” from your vocabulary in all cases except for when it’s really called for.
The first step to manifesting anything is to know what you want. It doesn’t matter we’re talking about tonight’s dinner options or your life’s purpose.
But what if you DON’T KNOW what you want? That’s a common problem, you know – especially among people who grew up hearing a lot of “because I said so” from their parents. Childhood is when human beings learn how to want and wish and expect it to come true. Some children aren’t allowed that freedom. It has nothing to do with how much money their families have, but with how their parents nurture their dreams.
So what if today, now that you’re no longer a child, you still don’t know what you want? What if you don’t know how to formulate a desire that’s purely for you – not for your family, your partner, your boss, or what society wants you to want?
First, let’s acknowledge that there’s a part of you that always has desires and know what those desires are. It’s your heart – your connection to your soul. And even at times when it feels difficult to connect with your soul, there is a way to figure out what it (you) wants.
In fact, there are multiple ways, but I stumbled upon something new and so crystal clear that I was stunned I hadn’t seen it before.